Notafinga…

I’m not really angry, but am sure at a loss for words. It doesn’t feel good inside to consistently feel misunderstood. It’s like there’s this me on the inside who is constantly screaming and is never heard…at least not truly. Do I hear it in people’s voices when they speak to me? You betcha! The dripping disdain, the snotty condescension…it isn’t my imagination at work. The truth is, as an autistic, I have far less ability toward imagination when it comes to others actionable behaviors, and even less imagination when it comes to voice tone, and word choice. I’m more of a person who tends to say what I mean, and I honestly mean what I say, even if it doesn’t fit the construct of being “politically correct”, or the view that it isn’t “socially correct” either. The logical constraint of the autistic mind rails against these terminologies, and begs the question, “Why”!?!? I get my feelings hurt every day by idle gossip, rumors, hurtful statements, etc…all at the hands of neurotypical folk who expect to be treated as though THEY are the ones who possess some disability. In short, I often wonder if perhaps that is more the case. Perhaps I am not the one who is “disabled”, and it is my mind, and those of us with like minds, who have the evolutionary advantage to understand what these folks cannot. That is not to say that “feelings” are misplaced or without purpose, but perhaps the purpose has been misproportioned or misunderstood to a degree of being beyond usefulness. And here I go again being relegated to the likes of Spock, having fully understood the character and the whole of the Vulcan race. While I understand that Vulcans are a fictitious race, being formed from the mind of an author, it is the fact that the thought existed in the first place that should alert others to the fallibility of human emotions, or “feelings”. I think, for myself, when I refer to “hurt feelings”, I am meaning that sense of being dismissed, of being told by voice and action that my thoughts are unimportant, and therefore are irrelevant. I suppose, being that we, as a human race in general, are like tiny parasites that destroy and consume, perhaps that is a measure of full truth. However, that makes us all equal in this equation, and so we are all equally unimportant and irrevocably irrelevant. And that’s today’s thought bubble….

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