I know I’m not REALLY invisible, but there are plenty of days that I sure feel like I am. It’s hard for some people to imagine, I’m sure, but I’ve had to pinch myself from time to time, just to make sure I’m still really here. Most often I feel like I only become visible when people want something from me. That’s how it FEELS anyway. Deep down I know that I matter- or maybe that’s just a feeling as well. I’ll be truthful- I’m not quite sure anymore. It’s like I’m only noticed if I go on strike. When the laundry isn’t done, or the food isn’t in the oven, or the living room isn’t vacuumed, or the garbage is overflowing- then I’m noticed. It makes my life feel empty, as though I have been demoted to a position of a maid. It often makes me reflect on my life choices. Is this really my purpose? Just WHERE is MY happiness, my joy?? I’m supposing I should be finding joy in the raising of my kids, but they are practically adults. Now I am left to wonder what happened to ME. I’ll admit that I often feel lost. I even feel smothered. When, at what point, did I become an OBJECT? I feel like I am an object to most people in my life- my kids, my husband…even so-called friends. I often get this impression that I am supposed to somehow, miraculously, feel differently about my life. Maybe I’m just tired of being told how I’m supposed to feel, or how I’m supposed to be. I feel like this product of other people’s opinions, and none of those opinions seem to coincide with who I truly am inside. I’ve spent a lifetime, thus far, trying to be everything to everyone. It sounds so cliche, the whole “finding one’s self”. Admittedly, though, I am a lost girl. I know I’m in here somewhere…and one of these days I’ll find me.