Musings of a Lost Girl

I know I’m not REALLY invisible, but there are plenty of days that I sure feel like I am.  It’s hard for some people to imagine, I’m sure, but I’ve had to pinch myself from time to time, just to make sure I’m still really here.  Most often I feel like I only become visible when people want something from me.  That’s how it FEELS anyway.  Deep down I know that I matter- or maybe that’s just a feeling as well.  I’ll be truthful- I’m not quite sure anymore.  It’s like I’m only noticed if I go on strike.  When the laundry isn’t done, or the food isn’t in the oven, or the living room isn’t vacuumed, or the garbage is overflowing- then I’m noticed.  It makes my life feel empty, as though I have been demoted to a position of a maid.  It often makes me reflect on my life choices.  Is this really my purpose?  Just WHERE is MY happiness, my joy??  I’m supposing I should be finding joy in the raising of my kids, but they are practically adults.  Now I am left to wonder what happened to ME.  I’ll admit that I often feel lost.  I even feel smothered.  When, at what point, did I become an OBJECT?  I feel like I am an object to most people in my life- my kids, my husband…even so-called friends.  I often get this impression that I am supposed to somehow, miraculously, feel differently about my life.  Maybe I’m just tired of being told how I’m supposed to feel, or how I’m supposed to be.  I feel like this product of other people’s opinions, and none of those opinions seem to coincide with who I truly am inside.  I’ve spent a lifetime, thus far, trying to be everything to everyone.  It sounds so cliche, the whole “finding one’s self”.  Admittedly, though, I am a lost girl.  I know I’m in here somewhere…and one of these days I’ll find me.  

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